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Ten Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter ... Email

• Rule Number One: If you pull into my driveway and beep the horn and you have better be delivering a package, for surely not picking anything up.
• Rule Number Two: not touch my daughter in front of me. You can look at it, until you peer at anything below her neck. If you can not keep your eyes or hands off the body of my daughter, you will say that I will have to uproot them.
• Rule Number Three: I know that is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips at any moment. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. However, I want to be kind and open-minded about it, so I suggest an honest compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes larger and I shall have nothing to object. However, to be sure that your clothes remain in place, at least during the appointment with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and you will set them firmly on the sides.
• Rule Number Four: 'm sure you've been told that, nowadays, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me clarify the concept, you come to think about sex with my daughter, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
• Rule Number Five: is considered normal, to know better, we should talk about sports, politics, and other everyday topics. Please do not do it. The only information I require from you is when you think to bring my daughter back safe and sound at home, and the only word I need to hear about it "soon."
• Rule Number Six: do not doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Then, once you left with my baby, will you go out with her and no other until she will not let you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. Very.
• Rule Seven: As you stand in the driveway of my house, waiting for my daughter to appear, and spend more than an hour and not stand there to sigh and complain. If you wanted to arrive in time for the movie you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that may take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge Francisco. Instead of just standing there doing nothing, why do not you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
• Rule Number Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: - Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool .- Points with no parents, policemen, or nuns within sight Places where there is darkness .- .- Places where you can dance, we are holding hands, or where there is happiness .- Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a parka zipped up to his throat .- The films with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided movies with chain saws are okay .- Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
• Rule Number Nine: Do not lie . May seem like a ridiculous little man of middle age with bacon and balding, a little smarter and outdated. But for my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you're going and with whom, you have one chance to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
• Rule Ten: Be afraid . Be very afraid. It takes very little to confuse the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. It 's why when you get in the driveway of my house you must: 1. Out of the car with both hands in plain sight. 2. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a loud and clear that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car. No, you need not enter. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.